July 30th Thoughts and Opinions

Mind is rambling at work, might as well put my thoughts/opinions out there instead of letting them run a track and field event in my brain...

1. Why does the coffee in Soho only come in one tiny size? RUDE.  We all have slight addictions in this borough, bump up the size.  At the price I pay I should be getting a piece of gold as a side to my coffee, but I could settle for a real large.

2. Loving the Andy Warhol Perrier designs, however do you really think when he was creating his masterpieces his real hope was to someday have them on plastic, extremely disposable?  

3. Beyonce. 

4. Back to Beyonce.... Read a quote today, "you have as many hours in the day as Beyonce does".  Is that supposed to be encouraging or depressing?  Because Beyonce accomplishes a lot more than I do in a day.  However, it is her job to be Beyonce, if I dedicated all day to being Beyonce maybe I could accomplish a tini-tiny percentage of what she does.

5. I saw that Kim lost 50 lbs after pushing out that turd.  Maybe she did, maybe she did blow. whose to say. 

6. I wish band aids were in style because I am rocking three of them right now from random injuries.  The cutie on my finger was from slicing tomatoes and not paying attention.  The two on my toe are from the lovely lady who stilletoed my toe.  Now I have Billbo Baggins feet, thanks miss.

7. At our office there is a man across the way that literally sits in his apartment all day shirtless.  Sir, I have so many questions for you. How can you afford that?  And since you obviously have it all figured it out, please tell me your secrets.  I want to live like you, sincerely intern across the street that takes snap chats of you. 

Why July 10th Fuking Blows

Not to be dramatic, but today is the worst fuking day...ever. It is not even 12 pm and today has already back alley kicked the crap out of me and left me bleeding and bruised to die. I knew it was not going to be a parade and calories do not count day when the weather app said NYC 78 degrees this am, but I had some hope.  July 10, 2013 is the worst and here is why....

1. Smashed my iPhone screen -   I have dropped this thing, flushed it down a toilet, and left it in the snow and she has survived.  But I try to answer a text from my dad about a family trip and I drop it on the sidewalk and BUSTED.  This iPhone is now as ratchet as my weekend behavior.

2. Sweating Balls - It is hot.  Not just hot,  Hitler would come from Hell and walk West Broadway and break a sweat type of hot. This is not a cute look for me

3. No cottage cheese - Yes it looks pretty foul to eat, but its a simple pleasure of mine and we were all out of it at breakfast.

4. Had to pee in NY Penn Station and that place is filthy.  I am forever unclean.

5. Ran out of face wash in the shower, so I used shampoo on my face.  This is actually a toss up, maybe it will be awesome for your skin/hair and I will start a new sensation.  Or this is terrible and I ruined my skin.  Jury is still deciding.

Only solace of the day, random woman saying my outfit was killer.  Thank you random lady, you are the reason I do not storm out of work and sit in Dominique Ansels Bakery and go to town on treats.  You saved my sanity and waistline

Turning 21

I had (well still have since my birthday is not over until the next holiday) about being 21 years old.  No this is not a rational fear but neither are a lot of fears in today's society.  Except of course for the Zombie apocalypse since London has a plan set out in case that occurs and I trust London.  I fear this birthday because its the last big birthday that you can enjoy celebrating without being considered older. Every other birthday in my 20's will be the anniversary of my 21st.  Turning 30 will be me crying over a cake, sitting cross legged on my kitchen counter, shoveling pieces into my mouth like a barbarian.  The only hope is that by the time I am 30 calories will no longer count because we beat the system.  The inevitable truth is that I will probably not give a shit.

My parents held me back in pre-k, claiming it was the trend for summer birthdays but I could not tell my letters from my numbers.  So this means I am one of the first to turn 21.  How the hell do you celebrate being legal when no one else can actively participate?

DILEMMAS. But again, another upside! I can use my discount from the liquor store and buy weasel piss alcohol on the cheap!

21 means I get to openly drink more often, so you're welcome world I will be more fun.  As for celebrating, I did a family dinner Monday.  Several pluses with that...
. Got to spend time with my family
. Got free ( and expensive!) booze to drink
. Free thai food, nom
. got to watch my brother drink champagne, lawlz

As for celebrating with my friends, this is not going to be the Vegas Trip I always dreamed of where I get eloped to the biggest whack job.  However, I will be ingesting drinks with friends and that is good enough for me.

what to buy the man that wants nothing and knows your financial struggles

So Father's Day is right around the corner (readers that means June 16th). I got a creepy reminder on my commute into work the other day -http://instagram.com/p/aOu3ETNrtv/ . My friend Kay's mom slipped that into her bag as a reminder and we both got a good laugh.  But in all seriousness, what do you get the man that knows how poor you are?  Every gift I get is either too little, too last minute, or he tells me to return it and use that money for "books"( which really means clothing but what he does not know will not hurt him).

I love my dad beyond words.  I look nothing like the man because my parents used hormone injections to have me and somehow my mom definitely mutated the mixture so we look identical.  But personality wise, we just get each other.  Some dads princess their daughters.... none of that happened in the Hand household.  I played every sport and before I could eat dinner I had to make 10 foul shots in a row.  The only girly thing he partook in was doing my hair when I had a broken wrist.  He made me strong, independent, and a meat lover.  All I want to do is show him my appreciation for not letting me end up a stripper with daddy issues.

So, since I am the eldest child I am in charge of the gift.  I also get to pay for it because neither of their broke asses has an income.  How does a poor person afford a gift from three people to their father?  Well I think I have come up with two options....

1. Since my dad always says not to get him anything, I am getting him this -http://www.amazon.com/cub-Gift-of-Nothing/dp/B002J8VDXE/?qid=1322068563&ref=sr_1_1&ie=UTF8&sr=8-1 . This is a ball of nothing.  I got the man exactly what he asked for, it always fits, and always in style!

or, since I do not want to be known as the jackass kid...

2. Feed Him.  Groceries are affordable, we already own some of the ingredients so that will save cash, and I get to feed myself in the process!

Hoping for the best, expecting an average outcome!

Recent Employment

Although in my dreams I would sit around all day watching HBO and eating guacamole (chip-less btw, I take it straight up) and get paid to do so, that is not a profession.  It is, but only for strippers who then take their clothes off later that night for money.  Since I do not have chesticles and have a fear of exposing strangers to the paleness of my body, I have to work this summer.  I am lucky enough to have found employment through 1. a very unpaid internship in Soho at a social media marketing company & 2. a cashier at a liquor store.  Both are actually pretty fun and I wanted to share my observations from both of them...

First off, the internship.  Their office is in Soho, NYC and although I have a torrid love affair with the city I have a few comments/questions for its residents...

1. What the f*&k do you people do for money? Walking to work at 9:45 I pass twenty-somethings just strolling in their pj's walking their pure breed dogs.  TELL ME YOUR SECRETS! I WANT TO BE YOU!

2. The Cronut obsession.  The marriage of croissants and donuts is genius and something I want to invest in.. and by invest I mean eat daily.  However, over eager New York City residents line up for Cronuts at like 6:30 am so they sell out so quick! Throw a girl a bone, I want to try them before this fad is over and its no longer cool.

3. The wine store that does wine tastings in New York Penn Station deserves a standing ovation.  Well played sirs!

4. Is or Isn't there a dress code? I cannot tell when observing the occupants of the trains in the morning. Some of them look hipster awesome then walk into financial buildings, others have skirts that are a finger length from the knee/ no arms showing/ Muslim religion rule.  I cannot keep up, someone just tell me what to wear to work next time.

5. NJ Transit continues to screw me without my consent, that is illegal in this country, trust me I am chick I know my rights.  I have been left in Newark, trains have been delayed hours, and I always sit next to the sweatiest individual.

Now, onto the Cashier job at a Liquor Store.  Well actually, it is considered a "fine wines", so I am obviously putting that on my resume over the Karkov-ringer-upper...

1. People love alcohol.  The fictional Jay Gatsby was so damn successful and its because people worship booze.

2. Whoever invented boxed/juice cartoon alcohol deserves a Noble.  On 90 degree days those are flying off the shelves.

3. I am not sure if this is bizarre or not, but nips of alcohol are straight up adorable.  They are so tiny and cute, but bad decisions that follow from guzzling those down are not adorable.  Throwing up in a pillow case is not adorable. Making croissants at 3 am and dipping them in Nutella is genius... but not cute.  I did not serve those like Martha Stewart would, I gargoyled myself above the tray on the kitchen counter to eat those things.

4. Liquor stores should sell pizza bagels.  Their profits would skyrocket and people who are above the age of 12 will feel less awkward purchasing them in public.

Pros and Cons about outdoor running

It is that time of year again...the dreaded bikini season.  Even if I am not going to be in a bathing suit for a couple more weeks, I am definitely going to be showing off more skin so I have began outdoor running.  I can't run at school because it makes me fear for my life running around Providence, so coming home to the park across the street from my house is Heaven.  However, running sucks.  Yeah I feel accomplished afterwards but during running it is a constant inner monologue of "don't pass out, you will look hot if you keep moving".  During my run today I kept a running tab of the pros and cons of outdoor running that I wish to share with all of you...

Pros:
1. Get some color...well get my freckles to maybe connect and give me the illusion of a tan.
2. I try harder because you never know who is passing you in that car.  Maybe someone from high school that I want to show via my running strides that I am doing well.
3. Being one with nature
4. natural downhills and uphills that burn extra calories or give me a quick break
5. Sweating...excessive sweating.  If you sweat it means you tried hard, right?
6. Show off workout clothes
7. Get some  natural highlights in my hair because I am too poor to go to a salon and have a professional do it.
8. Quality "me time" because the entire run is an inner monologue of what I am going to eat once I am done
9. Getting honked at, cat called, or whistled at.  Yes this is a little pervish, but I take it as a compliment. Those creepy "hey babies" keep me going, so thank you random dads, lawn mowers, and the male (maybe female....?) population for the encouragement!

Cons:
1. Speeding up skin cancer.  I got burned from an hour run before the sun was out
2. People that pass me in their cars while running witness me running.  This is not hot, it is a struggle, it is slow, but its a workout so F&*k all y'all
3. Literally being one with nature.  Nothing is more terrifying then running through an invisible spider web and feeling it on your arm.  Or the random inch worms cannon-balling off the trees into my hair.
4. Screw hills, mother nature is a cold hearted bitch for making those suckers
5. Sweat in your eyes
6. Have to buy workout clothes that are cute.  Who looks cute while working out, no one.  But you have to fake it until you make it by investing in lulu lemon.  $80 for yoga pants should be a crime punishable by law
7. My hair is black...aint no highlights coming through my hair
8. That inner monologue usually results in me talking out loud.  While I have ear phones in so I cannot hear how loud I am, those passing me get a sneak peak into my brain and personal thoughts, sorry about that
9. Liking getting attention from randoms is probably something a therapist and I will discuss later in my  life

My conclusion, I will continue running outside but try to do it earlier in the morning so less witnesses, sweating, and sunburns ensue.

Wednesday the 15th's thoughts/opinions

Just some thoughts and opinions that are racing through my head today...

1. The Great Gatsby brought to film was absolutely incredible.  It was like you were attending the most epic party of all time, but unfortunately had to stay for clean up.  The soundtrack gave me goosebumps aka Lana Del Rey's angel cords were the perfect match.  However, some of Jay Z's lyrics were not historically accurate with the 1920's and talked about the civil rights movement.  I would say you cannot blame Yeezy, but the guy was executive producer so bad editing on your part.

2. my love for pizza will last forever.  Pizza never leaves you like a boyfriend does (literally, you can see it on your ass five minutes after ingesting it).  If someone  could find a way to make pizza under 100 calories, I would kiss them on the mouth, with a lil tongue action if they add mushrooms.

3. Netflix is the best/worst invention of all time.  Take what i say with a grain of salt because I do not pay for my netflix I just use other people's dad's accounts.  I watched like three hours of 'American Dad' yesterday.  Yes it was hysterical, but three hours is excessive.  Also, if Netflix could hook- up with the YMCA so I could watch my shows while attempting to run, maybe I would burn off all those pizza slices.

4. Chobani yogurt is overrated.  That shit cray.  Finally jumped on the band wagon and tried it this am, and this was only because my roommate left some in our fridge I was not going to become corporate and invest. 

5. Bazooka Joe comics are not funny, if you want to last in the gum industry find new talent to write your punch lines. I will continue to chew you and make my dentist further resent my mouth, but spice up my gum chewing experience or I will switch to Bubble Yum.

6.  Paper cuts are worse then breaking a bone.  Okay thats drastic.  Paper cuts are worse then breaking like a finger.

7. The word 'moist' should be outlawed.  Everytime a person uses the word 'moist' they should be shocked or have water thrown in their face to end this word.  Everytime I type the word I frown and picture an old Jewish grandmother describing a piece of cake.  She is not a cute grandmother, she is the grandmother that gives you a card that she literally just wrote 'love, grandma xoxo' in and skimped on the cash.

8. Bikini shopping should be done in the best lighting.  Target uses these high voltage lights that make Cara Delvinge look like she has cellulite and that chick is perfect.

9. I consider myself very up to date with celebrity gossip, and even I cannot keep up with Rihanna's hairstyles.  I think she is currently rocking a blonde bob.  If I was a gamlbing woman, I would put money that before June she changes it again to something either mermaid long or pixie, maybe dyed pink.

Looking back on these, this is more of me complaining.... sorry about that.  Feel free to ignore a lot of these, except the bikini thing.  that should be addressed at the federal level asap.