Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Turning 21

I had (well still have since my birthday is not over until the next holiday) about being 21 years old.  No this is not a rational fear but neither are a lot of fears in today's society.  Except of course for the Zombie apocalypse since London has a plan set out in case that occurs and I trust London.  I fear this birthday because its the last big birthday that you can enjoy celebrating without being considered older. Every other birthday in my 20's will be the anniversary of my 21st.  Turning 30 will be me crying over a cake, sitting cross legged on my kitchen counter, shoveling pieces into my mouth like a barbarian.  The only hope is that by the time I am 30 calories will no longer count because we beat the system.  The inevitable truth is that I will probably not give a shit.

My parents held me back in pre-k, claiming it was the trend for summer birthdays but I could not tell my letters from my numbers.  So this means I am one of the first to turn 21.  How the hell do you celebrate being legal when no one else can actively participate?

DILEMMAS. But again, another upside! I can use my discount from the liquor store and buy weasel piss alcohol on the cheap!

21 means I get to openly drink more often, so you're welcome world I will be more fun.  As for celebrating, I did a family dinner Monday.  Several pluses with that...
. Got to spend time with my family
. Got free ( and expensive!) booze to drink
. Free thai food, nom
. got to watch my brother drink champagne, lawlz

As for celebrating with my friends, this is not going to be the Vegas Trip I always dreamed of where I get eloped to the biggest whack job.  However, I will be ingesting drinks with friends and that is good enough for me.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

what to buy the man that wants nothing and knows your financial struggles

So Father's Day is right around the corner (readers that means June 16th). I got a creepy reminder on my commute into work the other day - . My friend Kay's mom slipped that into her bag as a reminder and we both got a good laugh.  But in all seriousness, what do you get the man that knows how poor you are?  Every gift I get is either too little, too last minute, or he tells me to return it and use that money for "books"( which really means clothing but what he does not know will not hurt him).

I love my dad beyond words.  I look nothing like the man because my parents used hormone injections to have me and somehow my mom definitely mutated the mixture so we look identical.  But personality wise, we just get each other.  Some dads princess their daughters.... none of that happened in the Hand household.  I played every sport and before I could eat dinner I had to make 10 foul shots in a row.  The only girly thing he partook in was doing my hair when I had a broken wrist.  He made me strong, independent, and a meat lover.  All I want to do is show him my appreciation for not letting me end up a stripper with daddy issues.

So, since I am the eldest child I am in charge of the gift.  I also get to pay for it because neither of their broke asses has an income.  How does a poor person afford a gift from three people to their father?  Well I think I have come up with two options....

1. Since my dad always says not to get him anything, I am getting him this - . This is a ball of nothing.  I got the man exactly what he asked for, it always fits, and always in style!

or, since I do not want to be known as the jackass kid...

2. Feed Him.  Groceries are affordable, we already own some of the ingredients so that will save cash, and I get to feed myself in the process!

Hoping for the best, expecting an average outcome!

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Recent Employment

Although in my dreams I would sit around all day watching HBO and eating guacamole (chip-less btw, I take it straight up) and get paid to do so, that is not a profession.  It is, but only for strippers who then take their clothes off later that night for money.  Since I do not have chesticles and have a fear of exposing strangers to the paleness of my body, I have to work this summer.  I am lucky enough to have found employment through 1. a very unpaid internship in Soho at a social media marketing company & 2. a cashier at a liquor store.  Both are actually pretty fun and I wanted to share my observations from both of them...

First off, the internship.  Their office is in Soho, NYC and although I have a torrid love affair with the city I have a few comments/questions for its residents...

1. What the f*&k do you people do for money? Walking to work at 9:45 I pass twenty-somethings just strolling in their pj's walking their pure breed dogs.  TELL ME YOUR SECRETS! I WANT TO BE YOU!

2. The Cronut obsession.  The marriage of croissants and donuts is genius and something I want to invest in.. and by invest I mean eat daily.  However, over eager New York City residents line up for Cronuts at like 6:30 am so they sell out so quick! Throw a girl a bone, I want to try them before this fad is over and its no longer cool.

3. The wine store that does wine tastings in New York Penn Station deserves a standing ovation.  Well played sirs!

4. Is or Isn't there a dress code? I cannot tell when observing the occupants of the trains in the morning. Some of them look hipster awesome then walk into financial buildings, others have skirts that are a finger length from the knee/ no arms showing/ Muslim religion rule.  I cannot keep up, someone just tell me what to wear to work next time.

5. NJ Transit continues to screw me without my consent, that is illegal in this country, trust me I am chick I know my rights.  I have been left in Newark, trains have been delayed hours, and I always sit next to the sweatiest individual.

Now, onto the Cashier job at a Liquor Store.  Well actually, it is considered a "fine wines", so I am obviously putting that on my resume over the Karkov-ringer-upper...

1. People love alcohol.  The fictional Jay Gatsby was so damn successful and its because people worship booze.

2. Whoever invented boxed/juice cartoon alcohol deserves a Noble.  On 90 degree days those are flying off the shelves.

3. I am not sure if this is bizarre or not, but nips of alcohol are straight up adorable.  They are so tiny and cute, but bad decisions that follow from guzzling those down are not adorable.  Throwing up in a pillow case is not adorable. Making croissants at 3 am and dipping them in Nutella is genius... but not cute.  I did not serve those like Martha Stewart would, I gargoyled myself above the tray on the kitchen counter to eat those things.

4. Liquor stores should sell pizza bagels.  Their profits would skyrocket and people who are above the age of 12 will feel less awkward purchasing them in public.