Chef Schmell: Trying To Get Wifed Via Cooking

I have a few dreams for the way I want my life to turn out, and I came to the realization that I would like to get married or just have a man that loves to eat.  I need a guinea pig to test all my recipes on.  If you are reading this and sounds like something you are interested in then please keep in mind I am not liable for anything I serve you that may be lethal.  That being said, I am using my family as my tester guinea pigs while home from school.  Tonight's menu was as follows: 

To Start ---- Mozzarella, Tomato, and Basil salad with balsamic reduction and olive oil (salt and pepper for taste).  Sliced bread was also a side, I made mine into a sandwich because bitches love to hate but ingest carbs.

Main Course ---- Beef Kabobs with chopped vegetables that were marinated in rosemary balsamic vinegar.  For veggies we did white onion, green and orange pepper, zucchini, and mushrooms.  The marinate was so simple even pinterest fail pages could perfect it: balsamic, olive oil, thyme, rosemary, salt and pepper. P.S. My dad decided screw kabobs and just did a plate of them in the end, easier to eat but less aesthetically pleasing.

Sides --- Tini tinny potatoes roasted in garlic olive oil and of course the most classic steamed corn. Stole this recipe from Trader Joe's site actually, highly recommend it! Very easy to make and was delicious 

http://www.traderjoes.com/recipes/recipe.asp?rid=18

Dessert ---- Almond Joy brownies with chocolate ganache on top (literally x3000 calories but hell its Sunday).  Was not very creative with this meal and stole it from a foodie blog

http://bakingdom.com/2013/03/almond-joy-brownies.html

Hardest part of the whole meal was making the brownies before hand to cool for an hour and having to watch them as I prepared the rest of the meal! 

July 30th Thoughts and Opinions

Mind is rambling at work, might as well put my thoughts/opinions out there instead of letting them run a track and field event in my brain...

1. Why does the coffee in Soho only come in one tiny size? RUDE.  We all have slight addictions in this borough, bump up the size.  At the price I pay I should be getting a piece of gold as a side to my coffee, but I could settle for a real large.

2. Loving the Andy Warhol Perrier designs, however do you really think when he was creating his masterpieces his real hope was to someday have them on plastic, extremely disposable?  

3. Beyonce. 

4. Back to Beyonce.... Read a quote today, "you have as many hours in the day as Beyonce does".  Is that supposed to be encouraging or depressing?  Because Beyonce accomplishes a lot more than I do in a day.  However, it is her job to be Beyonce, if I dedicated all day to being Beyonce maybe I could accomplish a tini-tiny percentage of what she does.

5. I saw that Kim lost 50 lbs after pushing out that turd.  Maybe she did, maybe she did blow. whose to say. 

6. I wish band aids were in style because I am rocking three of them right now from random injuries.  The cutie on my finger was from slicing tomatoes and not paying attention.  The two on my toe are from the lovely lady who stilletoed my toe.  Now I have Billbo Baggins feet, thanks miss.

7. At our office there is a man across the way that literally sits in his apartment all day shirtless.  Sir, I have so many questions for you. How can you afford that?  And since you obviously have it all figured it out, please tell me your secrets.  I want to live like you, sincerely intern across the street that takes snap chats of you. 

Why July 10th Fuking Blows

Not to be dramatic, but today is the worst fuking day...ever. It is not even 12 pm and today has already back alley kicked the crap out of me and left me bleeding and bruised to die. I knew it was not going to be a parade and calories do not count day when the weather app said NYC 78 degrees this am, but I had some hope.  July 10, 2013 is the worst and here is why....

1. Smashed my iPhone screen -   I have dropped this thing, flushed it down a toilet, and left it in the snow and she has survived.  But I try to answer a text from my dad about a family trip and I drop it on the sidewalk and BUSTED.  This iPhone is now as ratchet as my weekend behavior.

2. Sweating Balls - It is hot.  Not just hot,  Hitler would come from Hell and walk West Broadway and break a sweat type of hot. This is not a cute look for me

3. No cottage cheese - Yes it looks pretty foul to eat, but its a simple pleasure of mine and we were all out of it at breakfast.

4. Had to pee in NY Penn Station and that place is filthy.  I am forever unclean.

5. Ran out of face wash in the shower, so I used shampoo on my face.  This is actually a toss up, maybe it will be awesome for your skin/hair and I will start a new sensation.  Or this is terrible and I ruined my skin.  Jury is still deciding.

Only solace of the day, random woman saying my outfit was killer.  Thank you random lady, you are the reason I do not storm out of work and sit in Dominique Ansels Bakery and go to town on treats.  You saved my sanity and waistline

Turning 21

I had (well still have since my birthday is not over until the next holiday) about being 21 years old.  No this is not a rational fear but neither are a lot of fears in today's society.  Except of course for the Zombie apocalypse since London has a plan set out in case that occurs and I trust London.  I fear this birthday because its the last big birthday that you can enjoy celebrating without being considered older. Every other birthday in my 20's will be the anniversary of my 21st.  Turning 30 will be me crying over a cake, sitting cross legged on my kitchen counter, shoveling pieces into my mouth like a barbarian.  The only hope is that by the time I am 30 calories will no longer count because we beat the system.  The inevitable truth is that I will probably not give a shit.

My parents held me back in pre-k, claiming it was the trend for summer birthdays but I could not tell my letters from my numbers.  So this means I am one of the first to turn 21.  How the hell do you celebrate being legal when no one else can actively participate?

DILEMMAS. But again, another upside! I can use my discount from the liquor store and buy weasel piss alcohol on the cheap!

21 means I get to openly drink more often, so you're welcome world I will be more fun.  As for celebrating, I did a family dinner Monday.  Several pluses with that...
. Got to spend time with my family
. Got free ( and expensive!) booze to drink
. Free thai food, nom
. got to watch my brother drink champagne, lawlz

As for celebrating with my friends, this is not going to be the Vegas Trip I always dreamed of where I get eloped to the biggest whack job.  However, I will be ingesting drinks with friends and that is good enough for me.

what to buy the man that wants nothing and knows your financial struggles

So Father's Day is right around the corner (readers that means June 16th). I got a creepy reminder on my commute into work the other day -http://instagram.com/p/aOu3ETNrtv/ . My friend Kay's mom slipped that into her bag as a reminder and we both got a good laugh.  But in all seriousness, what do you get the man that knows how poor you are?  Every gift I get is either too little, too last minute, or he tells me to return it and use that money for "books"( which really means clothing but what he does not know will not hurt him).

I love my dad beyond words.  I look nothing like the man because my parents used hormone injections to have me and somehow my mom definitely mutated the mixture so we look identical.  But personality wise, we just get each other.  Some dads princess their daughters.... none of that happened in the Hand household.  I played every sport and before I could eat dinner I had to make 10 foul shots in a row.  The only girly thing he partook in was doing my hair when I had a broken wrist.  He made me strong, independent, and a meat lover.  All I want to do is show him my appreciation for not letting me end up a stripper with daddy issues.

So, since I am the eldest child I am in charge of the gift.  I also get to pay for it because neither of their broke asses has an income.  How does a poor person afford a gift from three people to their father?  Well I think I have come up with two options....

1. Since my dad always says not to get him anything, I am getting him this -http://www.amazon.com/cub-Gift-of-Nothing/dp/B002J8VDXE/?qid=1322068563&ref=sr_1_1&ie=UTF8&sr=8-1 . This is a ball of nothing.  I got the man exactly what he asked for, it always fits, and always in style!

or, since I do not want to be known as the jackass kid...

2. Feed Him.  Groceries are affordable, we already own some of the ingredients so that will save cash, and I get to feed myself in the process!

Hoping for the best, expecting an average outcome!

Recent Employment

Although in my dreams I would sit around all day watching HBO and eating guacamole (chip-less btw, I take it straight up) and get paid to do so, that is not a profession.  It is, but only for strippers who then take their clothes off later that night for money.  Since I do not have chesticles and have a fear of exposing strangers to the paleness of my body, I have to work this summer.  I am lucky enough to have found employment through 1. a very unpaid internship in Soho at a social media marketing company & 2. a cashier at a liquor store.  Both are actually pretty fun and I wanted to share my observations from both of them...

First off, the internship.  Their office is in Soho, NYC and although I have a torrid love affair with the city I have a few comments/questions for its residents...

1. What the f*&k do you people do for money? Walking to work at 9:45 I pass twenty-somethings just strolling in their pj's walking their pure breed dogs.  TELL ME YOUR SECRETS! I WANT TO BE YOU!

2. The Cronut obsession.  The marriage of croissants and donuts is genius and something I want to invest in.. and by invest I mean eat daily.  However, over eager New York City residents line up for Cronuts at like 6:30 am so they sell out so quick! Throw a girl a bone, I want to try them before this fad is over and its no longer cool.

3. The wine store that does wine tastings in New York Penn Station deserves a standing ovation.  Well played sirs!

4. Is or Isn't there a dress code? I cannot tell when observing the occupants of the trains in the morning. Some of them look hipster awesome then walk into financial buildings, others have skirts that are a finger length from the knee/ no arms showing/ Muslim religion rule.  I cannot keep up, someone just tell me what to wear to work next time.

5. NJ Transit continues to screw me without my consent, that is illegal in this country, trust me I am chick I know my rights.  I have been left in Newark, trains have been delayed hours, and I always sit next to the sweatiest individual.

Now, onto the Cashier job at a Liquor Store.  Well actually, it is considered a "fine wines", so I am obviously putting that on my resume over the Karkov-ringer-upper...

1. People love alcohol.  The fictional Jay Gatsby was so damn successful and its because people worship booze.

2. Whoever invented boxed/juice cartoon alcohol deserves a Noble.  On 90 degree days those are flying off the shelves.

3. I am not sure if this is bizarre or not, but nips of alcohol are straight up adorable.  They are so tiny and cute, but bad decisions that follow from guzzling those down are not adorable.  Throwing up in a pillow case is not adorable. Making croissants at 3 am and dipping them in Nutella is genius... but not cute.  I did not serve those like Martha Stewart would, I gargoyled myself above the tray on the kitchen counter to eat those things.

4. Liquor stores should sell pizza bagels.  Their profits would skyrocket and people who are above the age of 12 will feel less awkward purchasing them in public.

Pros and Cons about outdoor running

It is that time of year again...the dreaded bikini season.  Even if I am not going to be in a bathing suit for a couple more weeks, I am definitely going to be showing off more skin so I have began outdoor running.  I can't run at school because it makes me fear for my life running around Providence, so coming home to the park across the street from my house is Heaven.  However, running sucks.  Yeah I feel accomplished afterwards but during running it is a constant inner monologue of "don't pass out, you will look hot if you keep moving".  During my run today I kept a running tab of the pros and cons of outdoor running that I wish to share with all of you...

Pros:
1. Get some color...well get my freckles to maybe connect and give me the illusion of a tan.
2. I try harder because you never know who is passing you in that car.  Maybe someone from high school that I want to show via my running strides that I am doing well.
3. Being one with nature
4. natural downhills and uphills that burn extra calories or give me a quick break
5. Sweating...excessive sweating.  If you sweat it means you tried hard, right?
6. Show off workout clothes
7. Get some  natural highlights in my hair because I am too poor to go to a salon and have a professional do it.
8. Quality "me time" because the entire run is an inner monologue of what I am going to eat once I am done
9. Getting honked at, cat called, or whistled at.  Yes this is a little pervish, but I take it as a compliment. Those creepy "hey babies" keep me going, so thank you random dads, lawn mowers, and the male (maybe female....?) population for the encouragement!

Cons:
1. Speeding up skin cancer.  I got burned from an hour run before the sun was out
2. People that pass me in their cars while running witness me running.  This is not hot, it is a struggle, it is slow, but its a workout so F&*k all y'all
3. Literally being one with nature.  Nothing is more terrifying then running through an invisible spider web and feeling it on your arm.  Or the random inch worms cannon-balling off the trees into my hair.
4. Screw hills, mother nature is a cold hearted bitch for making those suckers
5. Sweat in your eyes
6. Have to buy workout clothes that are cute.  Who looks cute while working out, no one.  But you have to fake it until you make it by investing in lulu lemon.  $80 for yoga pants should be a crime punishable by law
7. My hair is black...aint no highlights coming through my hair
8. That inner monologue usually results in me talking out loud.  While I have ear phones in so I cannot hear how loud I am, those passing me get a sneak peak into my brain and personal thoughts, sorry about that
9. Liking getting attention from randoms is probably something a therapist and I will discuss later in my  life

My conclusion, I will continue running outside but try to do it earlier in the morning so less witnesses, sweating, and sunburns ensue.

Wednesday the 15th's thoughts/opinions

Just some thoughts and opinions that are racing through my head today...

1. The Great Gatsby brought to film was absolutely incredible.  It was like you were attending the most epic party of all time, but unfortunately had to stay for clean up.  The soundtrack gave me goosebumps aka Lana Del Rey's angel cords were the perfect match.  However, some of Jay Z's lyrics were not historically accurate with the 1920's and talked about the civil rights movement.  I would say you cannot blame Yeezy, but the guy was executive producer so bad editing on your part.

2. my love for pizza will last forever.  Pizza never leaves you like a boyfriend does (literally, you can see it on your ass five minutes after ingesting it).  If someone  could find a way to make pizza under 100 calories, I would kiss them on the mouth, with a lil tongue action if they add mushrooms.

3. Netflix is the best/worst invention of all time.  Take what i say with a grain of salt because I do not pay for my netflix I just use other people's dad's accounts.  I watched like three hours of 'American Dad' yesterday.  Yes it was hysterical, but three hours is excessive.  Also, if Netflix could hook- up with the YMCA so I could watch my shows while attempting to run, maybe I would burn off all those pizza slices.

4. Chobani yogurt is overrated.  That shit cray.  Finally jumped on the band wagon and tried it this am, and this was only because my roommate left some in our fridge I was not going to become corporate and invest. 

5. Bazooka Joe comics are not funny, if you want to last in the gum industry find new talent to write your punch lines. I will continue to chew you and make my dentist further resent my mouth, but spice up my gum chewing experience or I will switch to Bubble Yum.

6.  Paper cuts are worse then breaking a bone.  Okay thats drastic.  Paper cuts are worse then breaking like a finger.

7. The word 'moist' should be outlawed.  Everytime a person uses the word 'moist' they should be shocked or have water thrown in their face to end this word.  Everytime I type the word I frown and picture an old Jewish grandmother describing a piece of cake.  She is not a cute grandmother, she is the grandmother that gives you a card that she literally just wrote 'love, grandma xoxo' in and skimped on the cash.

8. Bikini shopping should be done in the best lighting.  Target uses these high voltage lights that make Cara Delvinge look like she has cellulite and that chick is perfect.

9. I consider myself very up to date with celebrity gossip, and even I cannot keep up with Rihanna's hairstyles.  I think she is currently rocking a blonde bob.  If I was a gamlbing woman, I would put money that before June she changes it again to something either mermaid long or pixie, maybe dyed pink.

Looking back on these, this is more of me complaining.... sorry about that.  Feel free to ignore a lot of these, except the bikini thing.  that should be addressed at the federal level asap.

ABC's: grades and bra sizes

Final grades for the semester were released today.  Before I see my grades I always repeat what my microeconomics teacher told me freshman year, "grades predict future grades.  Those with a high EQ are the most intelligent people". EQ is emotional intelligence.  If you possess empathy and can be a good person, you will succeed in life.  I told this to my parents before I spit out my grades, neither found it amusing.

Throughout life we are taught so many different ways of ranking ourselves.  Gold stars are usually a good sign early in a child's education, if you continue to get them in your 40's then get your ass off the couch and stop playing Mario Party.  Then in third grade we start to get letter grades.  Holy shit was that scary.  Mainly because everyone gets A's but if you are kid earning B's and C's as a nine year old, your future is dulling or hopefully you are going to invent something.

As if third grade did not suck enough because now you know if you are Achieving, Basic, or Completely screwed, fourth grade follows which is when we sprout boobs.  Now a whole new reversal of ranking comes into play.  A's, terrible.  Forget about it.  Only good part is you can wear tshirt bras for the rest of your life which are so damn comfortable.  B's, not bad but nothing to go home and brag about. C's, holy shit you have made it in life! You can be poor, an idiot, and essentially only talk about your probiotic/vegan diet and people will nod and smile at you.  D's, holy grail!  If you get a D on a test you drown your sorrows in a Dairy Queen Blizzard clocking in at 3000 calories.  If your boobs are a D, you are a queen among the boobless peasants.

So let me get this straight... the highest academic success is achieving an A, which you earn through a caffeine addiction and lack of sleep.  Having chesticles that are a size C is something woman would pay thousands of dollars for, not achieve it but blessed with or rich enough to stick on their chests.

The hope is you either pull a Hilary Clinton and have a nice combo of the two (I think she will rule our country one day), or at least lean more towards A's on tests then C's on your chest.

Weddings & Babies, somehow both comparable to acrylics

I am not sure if the stress of impending finals or maybe our current overdosing of Zyrtec is making us do this, but my friends and I have been discussing marriage and children.  Although we are only 20 so doing either one of those things would be like leaving a party at 10 pm, it still occupies our conversations.  My current stance on both milestones:

Do I need to get married? nah. but I want the beautiful dress and ring, so I can do both at city hall and throw a ridiculous open bar party afterwards in the city.

Babies?  On the one hand I do not want children I want a career.  On the other hand, I would love to say that 1. I survived child birth and can accurately attest to what the pain is really like and 2. I would get to literally create a human being which seems ridiculous and it is a good excuse to screw dieting for almost a year!!!!! As I told my friend the other day, I do not want them in my future, but once I see all my friends popping out kids, I will need one so I have someone to hang out with since thats what all of them will be doing.  Like acrylic nails, I do not think I want them.. until some chick is rocking them and I decide those are a necessity in my life.

But my real question is, why is it that this what we talk about? You don't think that men sit around at lunch and discuss baby names and their future wife's attributes (minus the boobs).  I mean maybe they do... but those are not the boys I ease drop on in our cafeteria.  Maybe because these are things biology programmed into our genes, or because this is the scenario that always plays out for woman in our society. A solid argument was made for biology setting off a mini alarm in our body that says , "bitch get your eggo preggo" and that we get married for the stability of having someone.  However, if that is the case then why do women have such difficult getting pregnant? I think maybe that the latter, society, has programmed us to want both of these things.  I mean if Angelina Jolie has found happiness through both and she sold her soul to the devil...then maybe it is a good thing for all of us.

At the ripe age of 20 I say no to both.  fuck having a man that will judge my eating habits and a baby is a creepy bald mini human.  In 6 years when maybe some poor sap finds my humor endearing and all he wants with sugar on top is a child, I would make the sacrifice for him.  Women like myself decide to do the marriage and baby thing because we love someone enough to do it for and with them.  Your welcome men.

Current Questions and Thoughts

As a full-time student I spend a lot of time day dreaming and avoiding my impending deadlines on work.  I read somewhere on my pinterest that whatever you do in your spare time you should do full time.  So... according to that quote I should stalk celebrities and social media.  One can make multimillions on this career so I can afford the extravagant lifestyle I imagine.  Anyways, most recently in my Developments of Western Civilization course I came up with a list of questions and concerns.  Some of these were random organic thoughts, others generated from my online endeavors, and some from my observations of my classmates around me.

1. Is sub tweeting the new black?

Obviously I am aware that nothing can replace the color black since it is the majority of my wardrobe, but you get the saying.  I read the same amount of sub tweets about friend issues as I look at puppy accounts.  If you have not shit on a friend by quoting some random woman rapper or just put emojis as a tweet the knife, girl, and devil, you have not lived in a dorm.

2. Do people vine sober?

3. please drink coffee/ tv/ or fake it with hot chocolate in a coffee so I understand how people get through the day without caffeine or beaver tranquilizers

4. My aunt always say this and I cannot repeat enough with dress season upon us.  "Bubble hems on dresses or skirts should be retired at 21 years of age"

5. If anyone like me had parents who did not believe that what we watch shapes our lives, then you watched Austin Powers at too young an age.  Austin checks himself for "spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch" before leaving his home.  Can all men do this please?

6. Drunk eating = zero calories.  Did you inhale Dominoes, yeah who gives a shit it will not affect your body mass index.  If you binge drink and do not eat in bed alone still fully dressed in your dress, makeup, and satchel under your arm, your night sucked

7. Crunchy granola people are stuck in the 90s.  Not a bad thing since the 90s was the best era, but they are hung up on all the bizarre things.  Buy shampoo possibly tested on a monkey and maybe I can consider Portland, kale, and organic deodorant.

8. Fake lashes are for club sluts.  I do not have to explain club sluts because everyone went to high school with a girl who worked at "dance clubs" which are loopholes in child porn.

9. What is the next fad after frozen yogurt?
We have seen cupcakes, cookies, cake pops, ice cream, and italian ice.  Although I have not jumped off the "pop" sensation, which is really just tiny pieces of any dessert on a stick, something revolutionary has to occur in my binge eating.  heres praying its minimal calories induced and cash required!

10. If you can sit on your hair, you are officially welcomed into the hippie community.  Congratulations you need to re-evaluate your life.

11. Why is taking birth control in public hidden and shunned.  Your welcome that I am not pro-creating.  Men have an entire alley of condoms that are colorful and inviting.  Women have to go to a doctor, then talk to the pharmasist that shouts your full name and Yaz prescription at several decibels too high.

12. Online drunk shopping is fine! Everyone has done it, jump on the bandwagon!

13. Bagel sandwiches > life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  I am so in love with bacon egg and cheese on a plain bagel that I would seriously consider communism if it was to disappear.

14. Why doesn't Kellogg sell just the Lucky Charms marshmallows?  Yes the cereal is targeted at children and their mothers so it has to be "healthy", but something with marshmallows can be marketed in the most clever ways and still contain a food group of Santa's elves.  If Kelloggs wanted to target their largest audience of their consumers aka college students whose proper diet is a joke, they would incorporate this in their product line.