Tuesday, May 14, 2013

ABC's: grades and bra sizes

Final grades for the semester were released today.  Before I see my grades I always repeat what my microeconomics teacher told me freshman year, "grades predict future grades.  Those with a high EQ are the most intelligent people". EQ is emotional intelligence.  If you possess empathy and can be a good person, you will succeed in life.  I told this to my parents before I spit out my grades, neither found it amusing.

Throughout life we are taught so many different ways of ranking ourselves.  Gold stars are usually a good sign early in a child's education, if you continue to get them in your 40's then get your ass off the couch and stop playing Mario Party.  Then in third grade we start to get letter grades.  Holy shit was that scary.  Mainly because everyone gets A's but if you are kid earning B's and C's as a nine year old, your future is dulling or hopefully you are going to invent something.

As if third grade did not suck enough because now you know if you are Achieving, Basic, or Completely screwed, fourth grade follows which is when we sprout boobs.  Now a whole new reversal of ranking comes into play.  A's, terrible.  Forget about it.  Only good part is you can wear tshirt bras for the rest of your life which are so damn comfortable.  B's, not bad but nothing to go home and brag about. C's, holy shit you have made it in life! You can be poor, an idiot, and essentially only talk about your probiotic/vegan diet and people will nod and smile at you.  D's, holy grail!  If you get a D on a test you drown your sorrows in a Dairy Queen Blizzard clocking in at 3000 calories.  If your boobs are a D, you are a queen among the boobless peasants.

So let me get this straight... the highest academic success is achieving an A, which you earn through a caffeine addiction and lack of sleep.  Having chesticles that are a size C is something woman would pay thousands of dollars for, not achieve it but blessed with or rich enough to stick on their chests.

The hope is you either pull a Hilary Clinton and have a nice combo of the two (I think she will rule our country one day), or at least lean more towards A's on tests then C's on your chest.

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